


“But I never thought that I would have to leave you”

by viiixel



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Brief appearances by Xemnas and Xigbar, Gen, Grief, KHsecretsanta17, Saix POV, Saix attempting to cope is a thing for sure, like extremely brief, tw: death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 11:20:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13145592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viiixel/pseuds/viiixel
Summary: It was strange to think of living in a world where Axel no longer existed. Despite burning as bright as the sun, he was snuffed out as easily as a candle.





	“But I never thought that I would have to leave you”

**Author's Note:**

> Hiyo, this is for my secret santa @Nakchios! I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> The title comes from "Leave You" by Sir Sly which loosely inspired this (and is just a general AkuSai song imo)  
> Song link: [Leave You | Sir Sly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfBQXa6iTP8)
> 
> Apologies for any errors! (Anyone reading please feel free to comment any you see so I can correct them, thank you!)  
> Comments are appreciated in general!! <3

     For all his plans and careful considerations, Saix supposed he had not completely factored in Axel dying. Of course, he knew that was a very real possibility, though most likely with Axel’s form being reduced to that of a Dusk by Xemnas, but Axel truly being gone from the worlds was a thought that was slippery and hard to grasp.

     He supposed it was just too hard to imagine an existence as burning as Axel’s to just be gone. No more glimpses of red hair against the stark white walls of the castle. No more snatches of snarky conversation with the other members. No more loud snores permeating the hall that Axel’s room was in. While he was aware that Axel’s death would be the case someday, something that the coldness had not quite touched believed that the void that the man would leave would surely tear the world in half.

     When Saix was informed in an impromptu meeting with Xemnas and Xigbar that Axel had given his life in one final fight with the boy wielder, Saix couldn’t comprehend that he now existed in a world without Axel. He had not expected himself to be affected given Axel’s betrayal, but…

     A young boy with bright green eyes flooded his mind.

     As Xemnas and Xigbar continued to discuss the upcoming siege on the castle, Saix felt as though he was listening to the conversation outside of his body. He was there, but he wasn’t. Xemnas and Xigbar were standing in front of him, but so was a young boy with an easy grin and an obnoxious laugh. It was curious really, for Saix felt no pain but there was a tightness in his chest that he could not quite explain. His memories told him it was pain, but it was impossible to be emotionally linked. Perhaps his body was overreacting to whatever his brain was attempting to force him to feel (to no success) but it was irritating.

     “Excuse me, I must find the Berserkers and inform them of the intruder.” Saix excused himself from the two men without so much as a second glance from Xigbar and only the slightest interest from Xemnas. (Which meant more interest than he wanted but that was the least of his concerns at the moment.)

     As Saix walked down the hall, he made room for the boy catching up with his long strides to walk beside him. “Aww come on, Isa, don’cha wanna go get ice cream instead? Did’ja hear about the new flavor that Ol’ McDuck added? Sea salt!” Saix allowed for the memory, for what else could it be?, to walk beside him without any attempt on his part to dispel it. The young man rambling beside was long gone and the only tie to him besides his faltering memories had given his life for the past he was so desperately searching for within the wielder. Perhaps he was having a break from some sort of stress he couldn’t feel.

     “I wonder if it’s any good, I mean, how good could a salt flavored ice cream be? I wanna try it though!” His infectious laugh filled the hallway and Saix felt the corner of his lips turn up slightly as he rounded the corner to see one of his Berserker’s meandering about. He stopped, the hint of smile immediately gone, and watched as it shambled towards him while lugging the clunky imitation of his claymore. Curiously, the taste of salt and sweetness seemed to coat his mouth and he resisted the urge to run his tongue along the inside of his cheeks before the creature. He waited a beat once the Berserker stood before him, curious if it would react to the boy debating on what to do that day beside him and to collect himself over this strange incident occurring. The strength of the memory was disorienting, and he was second guessing his own reality. There was no reaction from the Berserker, even as Lea gesticulated wildly in excitement of the two of them getting some ice cream before hanging out together, and Saix knew he had lost it. Whatever ‘it’ might’ve been.

     “See to it that this castle is defended against intruders. Inform the others.” Saix gave the creature a curt nod, walking past it only to stop and wonder where he needed to go. Nowhere really. Lea stood beside him and Sora was bound to be within the castle soon enough. Where else did he need to be? A sense of lost time washed over him, and he shook his head before continuing down the hall. Before he knew it, he found himself in front of a door simply marked with ‘VIII.’

     Saix entered and stood in the doorway, looking around at the bare room. A few reports were on the desk and a pair of spare boots were at home in the corner. There was nothing in the room for him besides the young man who had decided to sprawl out on the bed. Saix watched as Lea rolled around before sitting up, a light in his green eyes as he looked to Saix. “Hey Isa, why don’t you call your mom and ask to spend the night? I got a new game and I need a player two!”

      A memory rose to the surface and Saix, no Isa, found himself back in another room that was far more decorated and lived in. “Oh really, what if I wanna be player one?” He heard himself say as he leaned back in Lea’s desk chair, smirking at the offended looking boy before him. “It’s my house, so I’m player one!” Lea’s lower lip jutted out with the slightest promise of a pout and Isa felt himself laughing at the sight that Lea made. “Fine, but only if I get to pick the maps and stuff.” The two of them reached over to shake on it, their hands lingering for just a moment before breaking so they could set up the game system.

      The strength of the memory seemed to sap Saix of his own strength as he blinked it all away except for the young man looking to him with that expectant goofy smile he had given him whenever he had something silly in mind. With a quick turn, Saix exited the room. The rush of pseudo emotions, the warmth of happiness, the nervous flutter of anticipation, and the heavy weight of grief, threatened to break his mind if he stayed there any longer to relive his past in all this too real glory. As he exited, he briefly wondered if he should even bother shutting the door before hustling down the hall to Addled Impasse. There was one thing that could provide him the clarity he needed to screw his head on right for the fight to come.

      Saix strode into the wide space and washed himself in the moonlight that the large windows let in as he attempted to clear his mind. For all the plans that he had made, for every scenario he had constructed and ran over in his head, for every possibility that could be swung at him, there was one aspect that Saix had not considered. He planned for _everything…_ except the one thing that would ruin each plan he had. Of course, his plans had changed when Axel betrayed the Organization. When Axel betrayed him. He had an Axel shaped hole to fill, that he had intended to do his damnedest to make sure the man who had left it patched it back up. He had not expected for him to go and kill himself, leaving that gaping hole to gnaw at the center of his being. He raised his face to the light and shut his eyes. Despite his attempts to calm himself, his breathing grew harsher and his brows knitted together it hit him that he now lived in a world where Axel… where Lea no longer existed.

      Saix opened his eyes and turned to look over his shoulder at the empty room. ‘ _Even the memory of him decided to remain behind_ ,’ Saix thought to himself as he returned his gaze to the moon. The usual sensation of clarity and peace did not overcome him, and the tightness in his chest that had not left him since he learned of his death coiled into a hard knot. His mind cleared just the briefest amount to muse that even though Axel had given up on _him_ , he had not intended to give up on Axel and the goal they had made. Their goal had always been to get their hearts back, to return to the people who lived only within their memories.

     Even with Axel’s betrayal, Saix did not think that goal had changed for either of them. Perhaps Axel had foolishly thought to find his heart in different ways but there was only one true way to get it back. The intensity of the light from the moon and his own stare made Saix’s eyes water but he forced himself to keep looking. Just as he would force himself to keep going. Force himself to regain his heart. Even if the other half that made up the memories of who he had been was gone. 

     He had no other plan left to follow.

**Author's Note:**

> This angst killed me but again, I really hope you enjoyed!! 
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on twitter: [@viiixel](https://twitter.com/viiixel)
> 
> Kudos and comments are very appreciated, especially if you read to the end and see this! Writing fanfic is often thankless at times so any support shown, especially comments, is very motivating. So please consider interacting with fanfic writers if you enjoy their work!


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